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What Husbands Need To Know?

Posted On May 30th, 2008 By Funny Jokes

A woman was walking down the street. Without warning, she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago” the homeless woman replied.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked.

“No, I don’t waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done In 20 years!”

“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.”

The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.”

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First Day At Cab

Posted On May 25th, 2008 By Funny Jokes

During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.

Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, “Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse”.

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Woman Lies For A Good Reason

Posted On May 22nd, 2008 By Funny Jokes

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?”

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. “Is this your husband?” the Lord asked.

“Yes!” cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honorable reason, and is always in the best interest of others. That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.

Signed, All Us Women

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Polish Eye Test

Posted On May 22nd, 2008 By Funny Jokes

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

“Can you read this?” the optician asked.

“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “Bloody hell, I know this guy.”

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Sperm Count For Old Man

Posted On May 22nd, 2008 By Funny Jokes

A 85 year old man went to the Dr.’s office to get a sperm count.The Dr. gave him a jar and said, “Take this jar home and and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the old man reappeared at the Dr.’s office and give him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day . The Dr. asked what happened and the old man explained…

“Well Dr. it’s like this – first I tried with my right hand but nothing then I tried with my left hand but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help, she tried with her right hand and then with left hand but still nothing. then she tried with her mouth first with teeth in and then teeth out. But still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with her both hands then with her armpit and she even tried squeezen’ it between her knees,but still nothing.”

The Dr. was shocked ,”you asked your neighbor?” The Old man replied “Yep, and no matter what we tried ,we still could not get the jar open”

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